Hollywood Kills Osama!

So, as per the US and President Barack Obama, Osama Bin Laden is dead. If Wikipedia, the trusted source of all the World’s information is to be believed, the operation to nab him was carried out by a “Joint Special Operations Command” of the US Army with inputs from the CIA. This shatters our belief deeply instilled within us from childhood by Hollywood that all super-villains have to be eliminated by either superheroes, superspies, supercops, vengeful men or alien robots amidst gigantic explosions.

No, there was no movie script involved here. But Hollywood will not be subdued! Apparently some hack in Hollywood is already writing a script for a story based on this! Why am I not surprised? Talking of which, what if some of Hollywood’s leading movie franchises were to come out with “Killing of Osama” movies? It can be only as bad as it gets. Let it be James Bond, Rambo, John “Die Hard” Mc Claine, Optimus Prime or the Terminator.

James Bond, after a lot of “spy work” and help from Happy McBottom, a former operative whom he turned after a lot of ‘hard work’, reaches Osama’s mountain lair using his invisible car and invisible suit. But unfortunately he gets captured by his henchmen and is strapped to a table, a laser pointing at him. Osama approaches Bond:

Osama: You British still think you can rule over the World?
Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Osama: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
Bond: Hrm. No, I prefer my white hair strands to be left as they are. Bond girls dig it.
Osama: Very punny, Mr.Bond. Unfortunately it will be the last sad joke you make.

The laser switches on, but Bond counters it with the laser in his watch, which automatically comes on. The control console explodes, starting fires which cause more explosion and the whole place starts falling apart. Bond’s bonds snap open, he rescues McBottom, adjusts his tie and starts shooting everyone dead while looking totally awesome. In the end Osama slips and falls into a shark tank while he was trying to board a capsule for his escape. Later Bond and McBottom are seen making out outside as the mountain explodes behind them.

John Mc Claine (Bruce Willis), is a New York cop on vacation to Pakistan when he comes to know through a set of co-incidences that some German terrorists in conjunction with Osama are conniving to bomb the country. When everyone stops listening to him, Mc Claine takes it upon himself to save the world. Covered in grime and dirt and wearing the white vest, he kills whoever crosses his path by throwing cars, fighter jets and semi-trucks at them (so that he can save bullets), grimacing and mouthing puns and abuses all the way. Later he picks off one by one anyone who managed to survive this onslaught. Only 1 of the millions of bullets fired at him hits him, and that too in the shoulder. In the end, he shoots Osama in the head and shouts Yippeekayay!!

John Rambo rappels down from a helicopter onto Osama’s hideout mansion armed to the teeth with a M60 Machine Gun, AK47 Assault Rifles, Sub Machine guns, RPG launcher, M1911 pistols, F-1 hand grenades, a ton of ammunition and of course, the sawtooth survival knife. He just starts shooting the living daylights out of anyone unfortunate enough to come into his sights, all the while mumbling something vague like “shkuxlvghshydsldhhasdwgggsggs“. (It was later revealed that he was talking). He uses up all his ammo killing most of the henchmen, and decapitates any one who managed to escape with his bare hands. In the end, he kills Osama using his knife, symbolizing the end of his killings.

Megatron has promised Osama world domination in return for Samuel Witwicky’s capture. Sam senses this seeing symbols in his head, but he and Mikaela (Megan Fox) are abducted by Osama’s henchmen from his co-ed dorm room (while they were making out) and are taken to Pakistan. However, Wheelie, the turned Decpeticon, overhears Starscream gloating about the capture to Soundwave. This leads the Autobots to Osama’s hideout in Pakistan. Bumblebee rescues Sam and Mikaela gatecrashing the hideout, and huge explosions ensure with the Autobots and Decepticons locked in fierce battle. In the end the Decepticons are vanquished (after lots of explosions) when Megatron flees unable to survive Optimus Prime’s onslaught. Osama is killed when Starscream accidentally steps on him.

The year is 2046. Osama controls Skynet and the machines. John Connor is the leader of the resistance against the machines. Osama sends back in time an evil Terminator to kill young John. To counter this, Connor sends back a Terminator of his own (Guv’nr Arnold, of course). Arnold-Terminator manages to save Connor, and in the end faces off against the evil Terminator in a molten-metal casting foundry factory with lots of steel presses. But the evil Terminator breaks down and self-destructs itself unable to bear listening to Arnold’s English! John Connor is safe! Much later, in the movie Terminator part 32, John Connor and T-800 (Arnold) kill Osama, but not before saying “Hasta la Vista, Baby!”

Now, adding a bit of an Indian touch:

SUNNY DEOL

BBAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHAAAAANNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHAAAARRRRRRRAAAAAAABBBBRRAAAAARR RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHHHNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Osama drops down dead.

RAJNIKANTH

Now, this is reality. Thalaivar was testing a gun and fired it once from Chennai. The US Navy SEALs just happened to be around when his bullet hit Osama.

It only remains to be seen who going to make the movie and how bad it will be. Hopefully Michael Bay will direct.